so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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