last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
