I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
