I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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