it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
