the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He felt like a one man threesome
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
