Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
