I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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