Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
