I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
