your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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