gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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