Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
