But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
