I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
