aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
