If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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