She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
