Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
