he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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