mondays should just be called national damage control day
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When are your genitals available?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
