I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
