p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
