I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
