IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
