And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
