And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
