god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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