how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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