We're like a lot better than the average bears
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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