i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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