Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
