I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My penis needs a shock collar
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
