I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
