i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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