you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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