You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
