Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
