got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
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I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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