Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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