Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
