He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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