Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
