his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
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You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My penis needs a shock collar
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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