I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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