That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
