Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
