I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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