dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
