I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
