you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
