my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
