Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
