I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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