I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
