I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
