I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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